Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
