Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
