i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
