he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
