i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
