My Higher Power is John Stamos
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
