I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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