I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
