I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
