My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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