I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
