I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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