Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I could fuck to npr.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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