dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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