if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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