I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
