I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
