you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
