i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
