The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
