The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
