I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I will be naked everywhere
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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