How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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