i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
