Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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