My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
