I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
