saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize