I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
