If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize