I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think a kid would responsible me up
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
