You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
