I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
