I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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