I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So squirting runs in the family.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
