i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
