First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize