Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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