He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
