Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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