You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
