I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
