Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
