You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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