It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
