you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
