Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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