my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can't put those talents on a resume
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
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