When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
