those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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