1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
