I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
