I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
