oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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