I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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