you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
