and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
