Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
